Audition dialogue

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 ACT 1, 2a

ORPHEUS: Oh. It’s you. For a moment I thought.......

EURYDICE: Obviously.

ORPHEUS: Well, I didn’t expect my wife to be lavishing flowers on a shepherd’s cottage!

EURYDICE: And I never for a moment imagined you were squandering that serenade on me.  Which of your lady-friends did you mistake me for?

ORPHEUS: Does it matter? What’s the idea (indicating cottage) of the harvest festival?

EURYDICE: Does that matter either? Can’t our mutual indifference be a matter of mutual indifference?

ORPHEUS: A case of “you go your way and I go mine”-?

EURYDICE: Exactly. While you’re caterwauling to your shepherdesses -

ORPHEUS: “caterwauling” - ! As a performer on the violin, I’m considered to be -

EURYDICE: Personally, I’m sick of the sound of the thing. But by all means scrape it elsewhere to you heart’s content. And while you’re doing it, if a harmless flirtation happens to come my way -

ORPHEUS: “Harmless” - ?

EURYDICE: So far, yes. But in the circumstances you can’t expect me to make any promises. Aristaeus is very fond of me. And speaking for myself -

ORPHEUS: Don’t bother. (again indicating cottage). You’ve already said it with flowers. Goodness knows what you see in the fellow.

EURYDICE: At least he shows some interest in me, and doesn’t spend all his time fiddling. Not your sort of fiddling anyway.

 ACT II - AFTER THE FLY DUET 

CUPID: Easy. It’s my job, remember? ...Now: you always prefer to make your own first approaches in some disguise or other...I’ve thought up a brand-new one for you. 

JUPITER: You have?  

CUPID: Highly original. And could be quite amusing.  

(He beckons off stage, and a Sylph enters - in the manner of a conjuror’s assistant bringing on a trick-prop. She carries a voluminous cloak..  

JUPITER: What’s this? What are you up to?  

CUPID: You’ll see...come on - put it on. (He does) Excellent! Thou shall the resplendent and imposing form of Mighty Jupiter be hidden completely from mortal eyes!  

JUPITER: But aren’t I going to be anything? - have any shape at all? She’s got to see me as something -  

CUPID is beckoning again and the Sylph re-enters - in the same manner as before. This time she carries a long flexible rod (like a fishing rod) from the end of which a large prop fly is suspended on a string. CUPID hands the fly-rod to JUPITER as the Sylph exits.  

CUPID: Though I say it myself, the cutest as well as the latest thing in metamorphoses! As far as the lady is concerned, you’ll merely be an uncommonly alluring fly - passions at will hither, and even thither -  

JUPITER: - and settling - ?  

CUPID: and settling wherever you please.  

JUPITER: The notion has distinct possibilities.....But do I - er - contact the lady? 

 ACT II - AFTER LAMENT FOR ACTEON  

JUPITER: I trust you and Venus have sorted out your matrimonial difficulties?  

VULCAN: Er...yes - I think so - more or less. (To VENUS). We have, haven’t we ducks?  

VENUS: (scathingly) Oaf.  

JUPITER: Well, at least they’re on speaking terms again. I suppose that’s something. (Wearily) I dunno....I think I shall have to start a Clean-up-Olympus campaign. Too many goings-on going on. Far too much falling out. Not to mention sleeping ditto....Don’t any of you realise we’re supposed to set the moral tones of the Universe?  

Quiet when Jupiter speaks! what’s got into you all this morning?  

MARS: If you really want to know, papa, we’re pretty fed up with you preaching at us - you of all people -  

JUPITER: (outraged) what???  

CUPID: - and a bit cheesed off, too - everlastingly stuck up here on Olympus -  

JUPITER: Silence!!!!! Venus! Can’t you keep this precocious infant of yours under control?  

VENUS: (languidly) He’s quite right papa. The “Olympian” Way of Life” sounds all very fine, but it does get tedious.  

DIANA: And you’ve been getting very bossy lately - quite unbearable! (Starting to whimper) When I think of my poor Acteon...with dirty great teeth and all shaggy...  

JUPITER: Now don’t start that all over again -  

CUPID: What we need is a break - a holiday -  

VENUS: And a change of diet. If ever anybody was sick of ambrosia -

ACT 1, 6 b (prior to Finale Act 1)

CALLIOPE: (chidingly) Orpheus! Stop yelling and capering in that absurd manner! Whatever’s got into you?

ORPHEUS: Mummy, I have some amusing news for you -

CALLIOPE: It isn’t news, because I know about it already. and it isn’t amusing - it at least it’s not supposed to be. (To audience You see what I mean about having to keep an eye on things....He’s not taking it the right way at all. (To Orpheus) Now listen to me, my boy. This is the beginning of a highly romantic bit of classical mythology, and you musn’t be flippant about it. You’re a devoted husband who’s been robbed of an adoring wife -

ORPHEUS: (protesting) Oh, but mummy - ! You know jolly well that Eurydice and I -

CALLIOPE: That’s not the point. Your private life and personal feelings have nothing to do with it -

ORPHEUS: But we simply didn’t get on! For both of us, Eurydice and me - this is the best bit of luck -

CALLIOPE: It’s a terrible blow, and you’re heartbroken. Now you really must try to remember that. Think of your public image -

ORPHEUS: Who cares about that? I’m a free man again -

CALLIOPE: You’re nothing of the sort. You’re a wronged husband - robbed of a beloved wife by one of the gods -

ORPHEUS: But that’s the beauty of it - it’s out of my hands - Fate - I can’t argue with the gods -

CALLIOPE: Of course you can - and you must! Pluto is notorious for this sort of thing, and Jupiter’ll be furious! He’ll certainly expect you to lodge a protest -

ORPHEUS: Me? How?

CALLIOPE: We must fly to Mount Olympus immediately.

ORPHEUS: What? But, good heavens, I don’t want to do that! I’d be scared stiff -

CALLIOPE: Orpheus!

ORPHEUS: Besides, I might get her back again -

CALLIOPE: That’s the object of the exercise.

ORPHEUS: But I tell you I don’t want -

CALLIOPE: (silencing him urgently, and indicating the gathering chorus)

At least put up a show - what would people think? Darling, do try to look a bit bereft. (At large) My dears! I expect you’ve gathered what’s happened - isn’t it terrible? Poor, dear Eurydice - my son’s precious little wife - has been carried off by that demon, Pluto! All in the best mythological tradition, of course - but upsetting, nevertheless. Naturally, Orpheus is heart-broken... (prompting him) Aren’t you, Orpheus?

ORPHEUS: Oh....yes...naturally...

CALLIOPE: And so - again in the best mythological tradition - I shall escort him tp Mount Olympus where he can face mighty Jupiter, King fo the gods, and, with the courage born of his grief, reclaim his beloved! (To Orpheus). You will do it, now, won’t you?

ORPHEUS: I don’t seem to have any choice, do I?

 ACT 1, 6 b (prior to Finale Act 1)

ORPHEUS: (gazing round and up at the sky in bewilderment).

What on earth’s happening to the elements? I’ll bet that shook the boys at the Weather Bureau.... (he sees the “writing”). Hello - who’s been scribbling on my house? Eurydice’s handwriting - and in “letter of fire” no less. (He reads the message). “The shepherd whom you so despised/was Pluto,heavily disguised./ With him I’ve gone where - truth to tell - / you’ve often wished I’d go to - !” (He breaks off). Well!/ What miracle is this? Eurydice abducted by Pluto! I must be dreaming - it’s too good to be true! (He rushes and peers into the “house” and then around the stage excitedly)

But it is true! Here she is - gone!...Oh joy!......Oh bliss!......To think I’m rid of that tiresome creature for good - (Enter Calliope) - and a free man again!

Whoopee!!!!!

CALLIOPE: (chidingly) Orpheus! Stop yelling and capering in that absurd manner! Whatever’s got into you?

ORPHEUS: Mummy, I have some amusing news for you -

CALLIOPE: It isn’t news, because I know about it already. and it isn’t amusing - it at least it’s not supposed to be. (To audience You see what I mean about having to keep an eye on things....He’s not taking it the right way at all. (To Orpheus) Now listen to me, my boy. This is the beginning of a highly romantic bit of classical mythology, and you musn’t be flippant about it. You’re a devoted husband who’s been robbed of an adoring wife -

ORPHEUS: (protesting) Oh, but mummy - ! You know jolly well that Eurydice and I -

CALLIOPE: That’s not the point. Your private life and personal feelings have nothing to do with it -

ORPHEUS: But we simply didn’t get on! For both of us, Eurydice and me - this is the best bit of luck -

CALLIOPE: It’s a terrible blow, and you’re heartbroken. Now you really must try to remember that. Think of your public image -

ORPHEUS: Who cares about that? I’m a free man again -

CALLIOPE: You’re nothing of the sort. You’re a wronged husband - robbed of a beloved wife by one of the gods -

ORPHEUS: But that’s the beauty of it - it’s out of my hands - Fate - I can’t argue with the gods -

CALLIOPE: Of course you can - and you must! Pluto is notorious for this sort of thing, and Jupiter’ll be furious! He’ll certainly expect you to lodge a protest -

ORPHEUS: Me? How?

CALLIOPE: We must fly to Mount Olympus immediately.

ORPHEUS: What? But, good heavens, I don’t want to do that! I’d be scared stiff -

CALLIOPE: Orpheus!

ORPHEUS: Besides, I might get her back again -

CALLIOPE: That’s the object of the exercise.

ORPHEUS: But I tell you I don’t want -

CALLIOPE: (silencing him urgently, and indicating the gathering chorus)

At least put up a show - what would people think? Darling, do try to look a bit bereft. (At large) My dears! I expect you’ve gathered what’s happened - isn’t it terrible? Poor, dear Eurydice - my son’s precious little wife - has been carried off by that demon, Pluto! All in the best mythological tradition, of course - but upsetting, nevertheless. Naturally, Orpheus is heart-broken... (prompting him) Aren’t you, Orpheus?

ORPHEUS: Oh....yes...naturally...

CALLIOPE: And so - again in the best mythological tradition - I shall escort him tp Mount Olympus where he can face mighty Jupiter, King fo the gods, and, with the courage born of his grief, reclaim his beloved! (To Orpheus). You will do it, now, won’t you?

ORPHEUS: I don’t seem to have any choice, do I?

 AFTER HA HA HA - TOWARDS THE END OF ACT II

At the end of the song, JUPITER joins in the general laughter - a trifle ruefully. Only JUNO is not amused.

JUNO: You - monster! How I’ve put up with you all these years I just don’t know! What a catalogue of iniquities for a wife to have to listen to!

JUPITER: (appeasingly) Grossly exaggerated, my love! Alternatively, I submit they were all premarital -

JUNO: (all het up) Even if you could prove that, I wouldn’t believe it! I want my dowry back, and a legal separation -

JUPITER: Now, now, dear! You’re over-wrought -

JUNO: If I am, it’s all your fault, you - you - aaaagh!

(She swoons into Pluto’s arms, and he supports her with difficulty)

PLUTO: Help!

JUPITER: It’s only hysterics. She often gets ‘em -

PLUTO: Somebody give me a hand -

JUPITER: Highly-strung, you know -

PLUTO: I can’t hold her, I tell you -

JUPITER: She’ll be all right in a minute -

PLUTO: Will you please take your wife off me? - Somebody - help - !

JUPITER: Juno to it, you lads -

(Mars and Vulcan go to Pluto’s assistance. Mercury enters)

JUPITER: (referring to Juno). I wonder what brought that on?

MERCURY: (on blended knee before Jupiter). Excuses me, Mighty Jupiter -

JUPITER: (gazing round at the other gods and goddesses and indicating Mercury). You see? I must say it’s nice to think one of my family still has some respect, and keeps his mind on his job....(To Mercury) What is it, lad?

MERCURY: The other visitors, sire....They’ve arrived.

JUNO: (“coming round” instantaneously) They have? Goodness, and me all anyhow -

(She frees herself from her supporters and sorts herself out)

JUPITER: (to Mercury). So they’re here, are they? (Sarcastically). Couldn’t have chosen a better moment....(truculently to Pluto). You know who they are, don’t you?

PLUTO: (Airily) Oh yes - I recognised them on the way here.

JUPITER: (imitating him). How clever of you. (Angrily) Is that all you’ve got to say? You know what they’re here about?

PLUTO: I’ve a pretty shrewd idea. Most importunate.

JUPITER: You can say that agin. (At large) Listen, you lot! If we’re going to get out of this with any prestige left at all, we’ve have to stop squabbling, and put up a show - understood? So for goodness sake, rally round! Let’s see if we can all pull together for once!...Now.....First impressions are all-important. I’d better be on mi’ throne. (To Juno) Come on, love, let’s get set - (taking Juno by the hand, he hurries her upstage, sits on his throne, and settles Juno down beside him. While he does so, he issues instructions - and the Gods and Goddesses group themselves accordingly. Venus - you are on my right, with that kid of yours.(Cupid) next to you, one step down. Diana, on my left. Mars - you there. Vulcan - (he indicates)

MARS: Helmets off or on?

JUPITER: On - look as imposing as you can! Thor - Neptune - Phoebus - (he indicates positions) Minerva - Aurora - Ceres - Hebe - Vesta -

JUPITER: Right - now hold it, everybody - no wobbling - and smile - altogether, cheese? Good. (To Mercury) Well, lad? How does it look?

MERCURY: Very effective, sire. Most impressive.

JUPITER: Makes a pretty good family group, eh?>

MERCURY: Magnificent - a truly Olympian picture.

JUPITER: That gives me an idea - can anybody paint?

MERCURY: Excuse me, sire - but your guest are waiting...

JUPITER: So they are....Well, don’t just stand there - show ‘em in!

 ACT II - AFTER LAMENT FOR ACTEON

DIANA: I must say, papa - I think it was very high-handed of you.

JUPITER: You we’re running after the lusty youth a little too eagerly, my dear. So I had to contrive he was a lusty youth no longer...quite a conjurer, aren’t I?

DIANA: You’re a barbarous old - busybody.

JUPITER: Something had to be done - even those cloddish mortals down on earth were beginning to gossip! It’s a question of prestige. We have to keep up appearances!

DIANA: Oh yes - you set us such a good example, don’t you?

*********Read DIANA’S line below***********

JUPITER: I trust you and Venus have sorted out your matrimonial difficulties?

VULCAN: Er...yes - I think so - more or less. (To VENUS). We have, haven’t e ducks?

VENUS: (scathingly) Oaf.

JUPITER: Well, at least they’re on speaking terms again. I suppose that’s something. (Wearily) I dunno....I think I shall have to start a Clean-up-Olympus campaign. Too many goings-on going on. Far too much falling out. Not to mention sleeping ditto....Don’t any of you realise we’re supposed to set the moral tones of the Universe?

Quiet when Jupiter speaks! what’s got into you all this morning?

MARS: If you really want to know, papa, we’re pretty fed up with you preaching at us - you of all people -

JUPITER: (outraged) what???

CUPID: - and a bit cheesed off, too - everlastingly stuck up here on Olympus -

JUPITER: Silence!!!!! Venus! Can’t you keep this precocious infant of yours under control?

VENUS: (languidly) He’s quite right papa. The “Olympian” Way of Life” sounds all very fine, but it does get tedious.

********DIANA: And you’ve been getting very bossy lately - quite unbearable! (Starting to whimper) When I think of my poor Acteon...with dirty great teeth and all shaggy...*********

JUPITER: Now don’t start that all over again -

CUPID: What we need is a break - a holiday -

VENUS: And a change of diet. If ever anybody was sick of ambrosia -

AFTER HA HA HA - TOWARDS THE END OF ACT II

At the end of the song, JUPITER joins in the general laughter - a trifle ruefully. Only JUNO is not amused.

JUNO: You - monster! How I’ve put up with you all these years I just don’t know! What a catalogue of iniquities for a wife to have to listen to!

JUPITER: (appeasingly) Grossly exaggerated, my love! Alternatively, I submit they were all premarital -

JUNO: (all het up) Even if you could prove that, I wouldn’t believe it! I want my dowry back, and a legal separation -

JUPITER: Now, now, dear! You’re over-wrought -

JUNO: If I am, it’s all your fault, you - you - aaaagh!

(She swoons into Pluto’s arms, and he supports her with difficulty)

PLUTO: Help!

JUPITER: It’s only hysterics. She often gets ‘em -

PLUTO: Somebody give me a hand -

JUPITER: Highly-strung, you know -

PLUTO: I can’t hold her, I tell you -

JUPITER: She’ll be all right in a minute -

PLUTO: Will you please take your wife off me? - Somebody - help - !

JUPITER: Juno to it, you lads -

(Mars and Vulcan go to Pluto’s assistance. Mercury enters)

JUPITER: (referring to Juno). I wonder what brought that on?

MERCURY: (on blended knee before Jupiter). Excuses me, Mighty Jupiter -

JUPITER: (gazing round at the other gods and goddesses and indicating Mercury). You see? I must say it’s nice to think one of my family still has some respect, and keeps his mind on his job....(To Mercury) What is it, lad?

MERCURY: The other visitors, sire....They’ve arrived.

JUNO: (“coming round” instantaneously) They have? Goodness, and me all anyhow -

(She frees herself from her supporters and sorts herself out)

JUPITER: (to Mercury). So they’re here, are they? (Sarcastically). Couldn’t have chosen a better moment....(truculently to Pluto). You know who they are, don’t you?

PLUTO: (Airily) Oh yes - I recognised them on the way here.

JUPITER: (imitating him). How clever of you. (Angrily) Is that all you’ve got to say? You know what they’re here about?

PLUTO: I’ve a pretty shrewd idea. Most importunate.

JUPITER: You can say that agin. (At large) Listen, you lot! If we’re going to get out of this with any prestige left at all, we’ve have to stop squabbling, and put up a show - understood? So for goodness sake, rally round! Let’s see if we can all pull together for once!...Now.....First impressions are all-important. I’d better be on mi’ throne. (To Juno) Come on, love, let’s get set - (taking Juno by the hand, he hurries her upstage, sits on his throne, and settles Juno down beside him. While he does so, he issues instructions - and the Gods and Goddesses group themselves accordingly. Venus - you are on my right, with that kid of yours.(Cupid) next to you, one step down. Diana, on my left. Mars - you there. Vulcan - (he indicates)

MARS: Helmets off or on?

JUPITER: On - look as imposing as you can! Thor - Neptune - Phoebus - (he indicates positions) Minerva - Aurora - Ceres - Hebe - Vesta -

JUPITER: Right - now hold it, everybody - no wobbling - and smile - altogether, cheese? Good. (To Mercury) Well, lad? How does it look?

MERCURY: Very effective, sire. Most impressive.

JUPITER: Makes a pretty good family group, eh?>

MERCURY: Magnificent - a truly Olympian picture.

JUPITER: That gives me an idea - can anybody paint?

MERCURY: Excuse me, sire - but your guest are waiting...

JUPITER: So they are....Well, don’t just stand there - show ‘em in!

 ACT II - AFTER LAMENT FOR ACTEON

MARS: If you really want to know, papa, we’re pretty fed up with you preaching at us - you of all people -

JUPITER: (outraged) what???

CUPID: - and a bit cheesed off, too - everlastingly stuck up here on Olympus -

JUPITER: Silence!!!!! Venus! Can’t you keep this precocious infant of yours under control?

VENUS: (languidly) He’s quite right papa. The “Olympian” Way of Life” sounds all very fine, but it does get tedious.

DIANA: And you’ve been getting very bossy lately - quite unbearable! (Starting to whimper) When I think of my poor Acteon...with dirty great teeth and all shaggy...

JUPITER: Now don’t start that all over again -

CUPID: What we need is a break - a holiday -

VENUS: And a change of diet. If ever anybody was sick of ambrosia -

MARS: What gets me is all this Instant Nectar. Not my cup of tea at all.

JUPITER: Talk about an ungrateful lot! We’re the most affluent society in existence! If you knew what some of those wretched mortals down on earth have to put up with -

JUNO: That reminds me - shouldn’t Mercury be back by now, with his report?

JUPITER: So he should - Don’t worry - he’ll be here any minute. A good lad, Mercury. Gets on with the job - never complains -

MARS: It’s all very well for him - flitting about all over the place, just as he pleases -

VULCAN: Not stuck in a smelly old forge like me - slaving over a hot anvil -

MARS: All he has to do is nose around and pick up the gossip. Call that work?

ACT 1 (after the Violin Duet)

(At the end of the song PLUTO beams round at the girls with a mischievous smile)

PLUTO: Enjoy that, did you?.....Nothing like an occasional rural roundelay - ( in a conspiratorial aside to the audience, during which the NYMPHS confer inaudibly among themselves to emphasise that they are not “in the know”) - for inspiring confidence....Little do these benighted rustics guess my real name and nature! How they would tremble if they knew this shepherd’s cloak is but a disguise, and in their midst stands Pluto, King of Hades!.....Fortunately for my deep and deadly designs they haven’t the foggiest; they’re as green as their own Arcadian meadows!

(To the girls) I pray you, charming nymphs, be on your way now; I would be alone to meditate on the pleasures of a pastoral existence! (As the girls exit, he again confides in the audience). Orpheus seemed to like the “practical joke” I suggested to him; if he’s done as I asked, then the fair Eurydice is as good as mine! (Looking off). Aha, here she comes - blissfully unaware that I’m the only “snake in the grass” that really matters! I must try to look innocent....(and he does so as Eurydice enters)

ACT 2 - AFTER LAMENT FOR ACTEON

MERCURY: Hail, O King of Olympus, Ruler of the Elements, Hurler of Thunderbolts -

JUPITER: You can cut the titles, lad. The sound a bit hollow this morning, anyway. Anything to declare?

MERCURY: Nothing cataclysmic, Might Jupiter. No cosmic catastrophes.

But on Earth there’s one rather intriguing matrimonial situation. It’s causing quite a stir among the natives.

JUPITER: Indeed? Nice and spicy?

MERCURY: Well - it depends what you mean by “nice”....A certain young lady of Thebes -

JUPITER: What’s this - a limerick?

JUNO: Oh, do be quiet, July, and let him tell us what’s happened! Can’t you see we’re all agog?

JUPITER: All a-what?

JUNO: Gog - go on. Murky dear. What about the young lady of Thebes? Is she attractive?

MERCURY: Beautiful as a goddess, by all accounts. Name of Eurydice. A married woman.

JUPITER: Oho.... Who’s the lucky fella?

MERCURY: Orpheus - a professor of music.

JUPITER: What? Calliope’s son?

MERCURY: The same.

JUNO: (impatiently) But what about this Eurydice? What’s happened to her?

MERCURY: She’s left her husband - lured away by another.

ACT III - AFTER SORRY I CAME

EURYDICE: (to herself). Crumbs - here he is again. Old nightmare himself...

STYX: (aside). Lovelier than ever - the face and form that haunt me in my dreams - ! (To Eurydice) Your ladyship rang?

EURYDICE: No, my ladyship, didn’t.

STYX: Oh, I wish you had - then you’d have wanted something, and I could have been of service....Whenever I hear the bell, I fly to do your ladyship’s bidding; whenever I don’t hear it, I know your ladyship has no bidding to be done, and then I feel a forlorn, useless creature...Is it at all possible your ladyship might ring the bell - sometime?

EURYDICE: How on earth can I tell?

STYX: Ah, but you’re not “on earth” - didn’t you know?

EURYDICE: Of course I know - how in Hades could I help knowing?.....Any sign of King Pluto?

STYX: No your ladyship - he’s not back yet, from wherever-it-is he went to.

EURYDICE: And you can’t think where that could be?

STYX: (lugubriously) No - he did tell me, but it’s completely gone....You see, I’m addicted to the waters of the river Lethe (Leeth-y). They’re called “the waters of oblivion” - because they make you forget everything.....When the master dashed off, I went on a real binge - and I can’t remember a thing he said.

EURYDICE: That’s a great help.

STYX: Ah, but then, when I saw you again - looking absolutely exquisite, as always - it did bring it back to me that I was supposed to be keeping you under lock and key. You shouldn’t be out here, you know, by rights.

EURYDICE: “By rights”? What right has he to cage me up, while he goes gallivanting off somewhere?

STYX: Alas, poor lady! Alas!

EURYDICE: Now don’t take on......Is it knocking back all this Lethe water that makes you so miserable all the time?

STYX: Oh no - it’s just the way I am here - I’m conditioned to it b y now - it’s my lowly status, I suppose. You see, I never reckoned on being a servant in after-life. Would you like to know what I was.....before....?

EURYDICE: Not particularly, but do tell me. I can see you’re going to anyway - and at least it’ll pass the time.